Not every day is hunky dory. Some days are an extremely hard fight. I want to eat. Really eat. Gorge myself full of the crap that I used to eat all of the time, but somehow I don't. I will eat when this strikes, but will just have several small snacks throughout the day instead of an enormous binge. If I want chocolate, I will have chocolate - but I will just have one small piece rather than the whole block. It's all about self control I guess, and some days you've got it, some days you don't and you have to battle harder.
Last week was really hard for me, probably the worst I have had since I started this journey. Coming up to "that time of the month" and I was just down on everything. I look horrible. I want to eat. This isn't working. Why do I bother. I will just always be this fat, ugly and horrible.
STOP.
Think about what you have achieved so far, 14kg+ lost, your clothes are really falling off for the first time EVER, you have achieved SO MUCH and you do NOT ever want to go back!!
I had to keep reminding myself of this all week. Those negative thoughts are what has ruined it for me every time I have started trying to lose weight, although usually about a week or so in.
Late last week, I got weighed.
"What the F***??!!! Up 1.5kg in 1 day??!!" It was very hard to remind myself that your weight can increase but up to a couple of kilograms around the time of your period. I tried to ignore it and not let the negative thoughts get the better of me. I pushed on and within a couple of days was back where I should have been. Relief!!
I have been trying to go to the gym at least once a week and although I am fat and a little embarrassed, I really enjoy going! I have my own little circuit that I do over 45 minutes to an hour and over time I will try other equipment and incorporate new things. I start with 10 minutes on the treadmill, gradually increasing the speed and a little incline, I then do some chest pulldowns or other light weights, I try for 1000m on the rowing machine (going back later to try to reach another 1000m), 5 good hard minutes on the bike, back through the others again and then another 5 minutes or so on the treadmill to warm down. I then get changed and jump into the indoor pool and do another 30 minutes with some laps and other things.
I always find it funny that after so much expended energy I can still walk out of the gym feeling so good, like I am gliding on a cloud and I am ten feet tall.
I am really starting to try and push myself too (but not kill myself) - last week if I did 40 reps of that, today I will try to do 50, aww heck, I've got another 10 in me! Crap it's hurting, but almost there! 60!! Yay me! :) I feel even better when I have pushed myself to go further - even if I don't know if I can - and I get there.
When I was going to the gym before I fell pregnant with our daughter, I used to spend the next couple of days with such sore muscles! Now I don't, although I am certain I am working harder than I was then. Maybe I wasn't doing the exercises right before, maybe my body has better fuel going into it to handle it all... I dunno, I'll just go with it.
I have never been motivated to exercise. Even now, try to get me to go for a walk, I'll procrastinate for an hour and think about all the reasons why I don't want to, although when I eventually do go, I push myself and I feel good for doing it. But going to the gym, I don't hesitate, I get there (and I don't procrastinate about getting there either!) and I am in the zone, a machine. Hahahahahahaha! A very un-oiled, somewhat broken and rusty machine, but a machine nonetheless. I hope I can stay one step ahead of my mind and keep up the momentum. I love feeling good, this machine is slowly being repaired and I am pushing forward on my way to fixing it.
You have to take the good days with the bad even if it adds to the challenge of what you are trying to do. On good days I can smile at myself in the mirror and look at my body and see how far I have come, that pushes me to want to keep going and keep getting compliments. A Doctor that I haven't seen for a long while said to me the other day "You're looking good Amanda! I remember I used to think "She's a big girl" but you've slimmed down a lot, you're looking good!" Thank you!!! I think a shopping trip is in order as is cleaning out my wardrobe!
5 weeks left until my next goal date! Will I make it??!!
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