At the end of September last year, I stood in the bathroom naked after my shower and looked at myself in the mirror. I mean really looked. This was my epiphany. We already know that I wasn't happy with how I looked, but when I really looked at myself I felt bad. I can't find the words to describe it, but I will try - I was disgusted, sad, angry, horrified and more. I wondered how my husband could look at me every day and still love me and tell me every day that I was beautiful. I felt so ugly and I felt like for so long I had let myself down. Let my family, husband and kids down and it was there, in that moment that I knew that I finally had to do something - really, really try - to change my life.
I stood there in the bathroom and cried as I thought about for so long I tried to tell myself that I didn't care - I was married to someone who truly loved me and it wasn't like I was thin before I met him, so it wasn't like I was trying to impress anyone. So many thoughts went through my head that I really can't remember them now, but it was finally time. After trying so many things in the past, this was it. I was going to make this happen or die trying.
I went into the bedroom where my husband was already in bed and told him how I felt. I asked him to help me. I told him that I needed his help and support because I just couldn't do this anymore. He held me close and promised to support me and work through it all in anyway he could, he just wanted to see me happy.
I don't know what I expected, but finally truly admitting that I had opened my eyes and that I had a problem was very confronting, even though at this stage I was only admitting it to my husband and myself.
The next morning ironically, I had the last pop tarts that were in the cupboard for breakfast, determined and knowing that once they were gone, there would be no more as I was the only one who ate them.
I went into work a little early and spoke to the nurse, crying, telling her that I didn't want to be fat anymore, I could no longer eat the crap that I have let myself eat for so long, asking for help and suggestions as I didn't know how to eat or prepare healthy food.
I have always been a fussy eater, which I believe is partly the reason I have gotten to where I have with my weight. I do not like and refuse to eat so many vegetables, and ingredients that go into salad - I hate tomato and cucumber, etc, onion gives me the runs... It has always bee easier to eat the prepackaged meals or things that are mainly pasta based, or even grab a bag of chips out of the cupboard!
The nurse and I talked for quite a while, she suggested some simple things like eating fruit salad with a little ricotta for example, a piece of toast with some cottage cheese, a small handful of nuts and/or berries as a snack, and most importantly - reducing portion size. She printed off the addresses of some websites, and some meal plans that are often given to diabetics for me to have a look at. She said she would be there for me to talk to, check in with, and that she would weigh me weekly and we could talk about how things were going. This led to the moment of truth. The weigh in. Another eye opening moment.
I got on the scales...
...139kg... Woah... I don't know what I was expecting. I don't know if I thought it would be more or less than that, but that was well and truly more than enough and I just don't know what else to say about that.
When I was almost finished work for the day, I went across to the supermarket and bought a variety of fruit so I could go home and make up a fruit salad for lunch.
I felt better that I had opened up and talked about it and that I was going to do something. But shit I was hungry. That first day was definitely the hardest. I was so used to listening to the voices in my head constantly telling me to eat that they were making me sooo ravenous.
I had my fruit salad for lunch and made enough for the next day for breakfast and lunch. I had a small bowl of soya chips as a snack, but found that an hour later I was still so hungry that I had some rice cakes as well to tide me over until dinner. Dinner was a much smaller portion than normal and we also used smaller bowls to make sure that was the case.
I got through the first day. Go on, laugh. The first damn DAY. I felt good. I felt positive. But considering how hungry I was all day, I was expecting a heck of a battle to come....
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