In the beginning....

     So.
     I have decided to write a blog about this journey I am travelling on.
     I have never written a blog before.
     I used to have diaries, I guess I am going to kind of treat this as the same thing - telling you truths and not sugar coating it with bullshit.
     I am 35, a mother of 2 beautiful children (ok, sometimes they are beautiful - no bullshit remember!) and married to a wonderful man I consider to be my soul-mate. Sure he tests me sometimes and pushes my buttons (both good and bad), but he has made me complete in so many ways and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else with anyone else.
     I am overweight. I can't recall a time when I wasn't overweight. Sure I can look back to photos of when I was a child, but that doesn't really count now does it. And yes I have tried diets and all sorts of things, but after a few weeks or a month of barely losing a kilo after trying to eat right and tons of hard work, you think stuff this! It's easier to sit around, eat what I want and stay where I am! This isn't a cry for sympathy or anything like that, this is a "story" about how I am finally in the mindset to lose weight and am now on the right path for me.
     I guess I decided to write this because of what a few different people have said to me. Some have asked what I am doing and suggested that I "Keep it up!", some have said that they too would love to lose weight, but that it's all to hard. I don't expect to inspire the masses, heck, I don't know if anyone will ever read this, but I guess I am hoping that it may help some to find the epiphany they need to get in the right mindset to do this.
     That's what started this off for me - an epiphany. Like I said, I have always been fat. Overweight. Obese. I don't blame anyone for that but me. I don't blame McDonald's or the fast food restaurants - I can make a choice whether or not to go there and how much I eat when I get there. I don't blame my parents - sure there were chips and chocolate in the house, but it wasn't my parents fault that I would sneak more of it than I should, although I was always told not to. I don't blame my family for the treats I was given when I visited, the only person I can blame, is me.
     For a long, long time I have only bought clothes from the Plus Size section - at the end of the rack. Size 26. Sometimes things would fit and I would find something I liked, other times I would sadly put them back, knowing I just couldn't squeeze anymore of myself into it. I would just quickly glance at myself in the mirror when I dressed, more to make sure my outfit went together and that I just looked 'ok' before going out. I would try to avoid looking at my reflection wherever possible. I would avoid photos that weren't just headshots whenever I could. I got very depressed. I had a few rough years with post natal depression after our first child was born and I was not working much if at all, and slowly my depression worsened. I remember vividly walking into a local shop, them not having what I needed to buy and that setting me off - walking back out of the store, looking at the traffic and trying to decide which car to walk out in front of so I could end it all. Thankfully the moment passed before I could do anything silly, and it was a shock and the wake up call I needed. I slowly crawled my way out of the depression, but because I was dealing with that, my weight again sat on the backburner. Maybe my mind wasn't ready to deal with two big life changes at once. Maybe that's just an excuse. Either way, I know my mind wasn't ready and as sad as I was with my weight and my body, neither was I....