Goals and pushing on

     (*I originally jotted my notes down a week or two ago but have not published it until now, so those that know me may know that some of this time frame is wrong, this is why*)

     So I made my first goal of 10kg by the time we went on holidays in mid December, and it was really nice to feel a bit more confidence in myself. It was funny when I look back - people were probably thinking "OMG - look at the fat girl in all her glory!", they didn't know that I had lost 10kg and was starting to feel better about myself! And it's not like I was flaunting myself in a bikini! (I know, I know, people probably weren't really looking at me and thinking anything, but overweight people that are uncomfortable with themselves ALWAYS think someone is looking and judging them) We were able to keep eating good food while we were away as we cooked for ourselves, but the few too many bottles of wine was what I was more worried about with my weight.
     I was pleasantly surprised to find after our trip that I still weighed the same! I had maintained what I had lost, now to deal with Christmas! It was rough to be honest, we raced back from our holiday as my husband's grandfather was ill in hospital and we didn't know how much time he had left. We spent most afternoons and evenings at the hospital with Pop, and eventually passed away a few days later on our daughter's 5th birthday - 2 days before Christmas.
     Christmas is a time for family, and even more so this year, but understandably we weren't in an overly festive mood. Sure we still had the trimmings, but none of us went overboard with the food preparations and cooking like we usually do, so thankfully (back to me) I still maintained my weight. For me, that was a really big deal, I have never been able to easily maintain my weight, but I guess now, in the right head-space, I am more conscious of it, so I try much harder to eat better and eat less.
     I set my next goal to lose another 10kg by the end of March. Again, if I don't quite make it, I will still be happy with myself and my progress, but that is my next aim. Right now I am at a smidge under 15kg lost and that gives me about 6 weeks to lose the other 5kg.
     Now that our son is back at school and our daughter has started Kindergarten, hubby and I have decided to join the local gym and go at least once a week. We went last week and for me it was the first time in 6 years! I didn't go out of my way to kill myself, but I think I worked pretty hard! After an hour in the gym we spent 30 minutes in the pool and doing some laps and different water exercises. We have been walking the dog down to the local football field and once there I do a couple of laps with a very brisk walk and several bursts of jogging or as much as I can stand. I will build it up to over time of course, but for now it's a start.
     Oh, on that note I must tell you - up until now, I have done barely any exercise. Sure a little at work in the privacy of my room when it's really quiet, or some time on the Wii fit, but ultimately, I have lost 13-14kg with no exercise and simply changing my diet. Kinda shows how much crap I was eating doesn't it??!!
     An example of a day of food for me before I changed my eating habits (I refuse to call i a diet, the first three letters in diet are D-I-E and that is what has always happened when I have gone on a diet - the diet has died.):

Breakfast - 2 pop tarts, cup of coffee, 2 choc chip biscuits.

Lunch - Whatever. Sometimes I would come home and have a big bowl of                     leftovers and generally that would be followed by a bag of potato chips.             The WHOLE bag. And I am not talking a little snack pack, I am talking               the 175-200g bag!
Dinner - A plate FULL of food. Either a big bowl of pasta or a hunk of meat and a             mound of potato bake, or a big roast with loads of potatoes and gravy.
     And usually always something for dessert!
     This is how I lived every day!! No wonder I felt like crap - it makes me feel sick just thinking about it! Now if I eat much crap I feel bloated and my stomach churns and makes a lot of noise... Is that what I felt like all the time??!
     I think for me setting small goals of blocks of 10kg losses is better. It's still a huge thing, but it is within reach, it isn't as untouchable as announcing "I am going to lose 50kg in 12 months!!" At least with smaller goals it feels more achievable and I can reassess it as I need to. I feel that for me, if I put an absolute figure on what I hope to lose in total over a certain time frame, I would be setting myself up for failure.
     I think we also need to think more about how much weight we actually lose when we do it, not just the number. You may try really hard over a month and be disappointed that you have "only" lost 1-2kg, but go into the supermarket and pick something up that weighs that much - it is substantial what you have lost!! That has just fallen off your body somewhere along the wayside!! I am stoked to be at almost 15kg, especially when I think how truly heavy that is. I still have a long way to go, but my confidence is coming back and I am starting to feel good about myself for the first time in a very long time :)

That crazy wrap thing.

**WARNING - This entry may contain information about products you don't believe in, aren't interested in and couldn't give a hoot about. There are also before and after pictures of my body when using these products. If you chose to read on please do not judge me for what I decide to do - this is MY story.**

     I spend far to much time on Facebook, and had been noticing a lot of random posts from some friends for one particular company that sells body wraps and the like. I always skipped past them - another too good to be true, bullshit miracle product that would cost way to much. One particular friend began posting quite a bit - pictures and info, so I have to admit I got curious. I asked her a few questions about her results and saw some of her own personal pictures and was a little impressed but still very skeptical.
     In November in a local swap, buy, sell group, a girl from nearby began posting that she had just become a distributor for these products and was having a special on the body wraps. I delved a bit deeper into the information on her page and on the internet, and although I was still pretty sure it was all rubbish, I decided to buy some and give it a try. In the past I have filled my cupboards with diet shakes, snacks and soups, never used them and then thrown them all in the bin, so realistically I figured I had thrown more in the bin in the past than what I was about to spend buying 2 wraps. I would try 2. If nothing happened, it didn't matter, I would continue on my merry way and be able to tell everyone that they were shit. If they did work....
     The first thing I remember thinking was how small the packaging was. I don't know if I expected them to be in a big box or something, but each one was just in a small plastic pouch. I had a shower and thoroughly dried myself and cut the pouch open. I had been told that they folded out to quite a size, but it was bigger than I expected once unfolded. I placed the wrap on my belly where I wanted it and put a bit of cling wrap around my body to hold it in place.
     The wrap is a piece of cheesecloth that is infused with a cream of all sorts of natural ingredients that helps to draw excess fluids and toxins out of the tough areas of your body. Often this is why we have the dreaded "spare tyre", it's not just fat, it's a build up of things. Using cling wrap is simply to help keep the body applicator or wrap in place.
     I left the first wrap on for about 2 hours, drank lots of water like I was supposed to, and during that time I could feel my skin tingling and cold - it was a strange sensation. I took a photo once I took the wrap off (I had taken one before putting it on) and as each one is supposed to work over 72 hours, I took photos over the next couple of days. I didn't really notice any difference.
     As the wraps can be applied every 72 hours I put the second one on once I reached that time. I talked about it with my husband and we had quite a few "Ah well" moments. 15 hours after I took the second wrap off, I took a photo and loaded it onto the computer. I put it side by side with the picture from before the first wrap.
     "...Is that...? Nah, it couldn't be..."
     I called my husband to have a look "Holy shit! Look at the difference!" He said.
     So I wasn't seeing things.
     I have included the pictures here so you can decide for yourself if they have made a difference on me.

Before 1st wrap          After 2nd wrap           

     I have continued using the wraps, though not as often as I would have liked, and seeing the results I have been seeing  - on my own body with my own eyes - I will continue to use them.
     I understand that people would be skeptical - I surely was until I had results of my own, but don't tell me I am an idiot for something I am doing that is working for me. Some people have just smiled and nodded ("Yeah right, this chic's crazy"), some have been excited and wanted to try them for themselves, and some have been extremely critical, telling me I am just desperate to lose weight, I am crazy, the only way to do it is through diet and exercise and eating right. Umm, yeah! No shit! Isn't that what I am finally doing for really the first time in my life??!!! And now that I have simply added something else to my regime that gives me a little help I am an idiot??! I AM losing weight with or without the wraps, they are just helping to tone my extra flabby bits! I WOULD be an idiot to expect I could eat the way I was AND lose weight. Give me a break!!
     I am not trying to sell you the wraps (although I can if you like) or change your mind or tell YOU what to believe, I am finally starting to feel good about myself, a little better about my weight and very good about my accomplishments so far. I just wanted to tell you a little bit about "That crazy wrap thing".

Mind games

     The next morning I woke up, and I wasn't hungry! Usually my stomach wakes up before I do and is rearing to go so I was surprised when it was unusually quiet.
     I made my coffee and piece of toast and small bowl of fruit salad. I remember the first taste of the ricotta in the fruit. I screwed my nose up. My reaction to the cottage cheese on toast was the same. After a few bites of each it wasn't so bad, and the thought of how much better for me this was than poptarts and a couple of biscuits for breakfast helped me to begin to enjoy the texture and the taste. Sounds like I was a baby eating for the first time, and I suppose in a way I was. I was learning to eat again and trying to train my brain towards a better way to process my thoughts of eating and food.
     I prepared a very small container of soya chips to take with me to work (I only work 4 hours a day) and made sure I grabbed a bottle of water.
     About halfway through the morning while I was quiet at work, the mind games started. I truly believe that if you have never been overweight you may not have experienced this, but I could be wrong.
     "Have something to eat."
     "No I am not hungry."
     "That doesn't matter, eat something."
     "I do not need to eat right now."
     "But you are just sitting here, bored. EAT!"
     "NO!"
     I started to experience this quite a lot, more often when I was sitting and doing nothing or just watching TV.
     "EAT!"
     "No I don't need to."
     "Just get that bag of chips and have some."
     "No thank you."
     "Go on! There are your favourite!! Have some!"
     I started to get good at blocking out the voices in my head that were willing me to eat and truly after that first day, I didn't crave food constantly. I was in the right frame of mind.
     At the end of the first week I had lost a bit over a kilogram and I was pumped. I set a goal for myself to lose 10kg by the time we were going on holidays which was 17th December. I figured that was reasonable enough, it gave me about 11 weeks or so to lose that weight, but if I only made it to 7 or 8kg, I would still be happy with myself. I made my first goal with about a week and a half to spare - the next hard thing would be keeping it off over Christmas!!
     The next battle with my mind was to eat slower. So many things I have read suggest that you should chew your food 20 times before swallowing. When you consciously try to do it, it's hard! I usually get about halfway through a meal before I remember to do it, but chewing that extra bit does help you feel full quicker! It is apparently proven that it takes your brain 10 minutes to tell your stomach that it is full, therefore by chewing your food up better and eating slower you are not only aiding your digestion, but giving your brain a chance to get in before you bust. Well that's how I see it anyway. Consciously try to do it next time you eat and see how many times you chew each mouthful.
     My most recent mind battle has been stopping eating at the end of a meal. I know that sounds odd because you would think that would be one of the first things, especially when reducing portion size. It kind of feels like I have gone backwards a little, but I guess it's just another way my brain is still playing with me, especially as it goes against what I learned from the second mind game I mentioned. I honestly hadn't noticed until the last couple of weeks - I eat my meal, finish, put down my knife and fork and immediately think "Mmmm! That was yummy! I want a bit more, I am still hungry!" And yes, at the time all of those thoughts may be true, but by eating that little bit more, I end up feeling full and bloated and yuck because I haven't let my brain do the right thing and tell me I am already full. Now if at the end of a meal I still want more, I tell myself to wait ten minutes, then if I am still wanting more I can have a little extra. Since doing that I have not gone back for more yet.
     Proof that yes, the mind works in mysterious ways!

The epiphany

     At the end of September last year, I stood in the bathroom naked after my shower and looked at myself in the mirror. I mean really looked. This was my epiphany. We already know that I wasn't happy with how I looked, but when I really looked at myself  I felt bad. I can't find the words to describe it, but I will try - I was disgusted, sad, angry, horrified and more. I wondered how my husband could look at me every day and still love me and tell me every day that I was beautiful. I felt so ugly and I felt like for so long I had let myself down. Let my family, husband and kids down and it was there, in that moment that I knew that I finally had to do something - really, really try - to change my life.
     I stood there in the bathroom and cried as I thought about for so long I tried to tell myself that I didn't care - I was married to someone who truly loved me and it wasn't like I was thin before I met him, so it wasn't like I was trying to impress anyone. So many thoughts went through my head that I really can't remember them now, but it was finally time. After trying so many things in the past, this was it. I was going to make this happen or die trying.
     I went into the bedroom where my husband was already in bed and told him how I felt. I asked him to help me. I told him that I needed his help and support because I just couldn't do this anymore. He held me close and promised to support me and work through it all in anyway he could, he just wanted to see me happy.
     I don't know what I expected, but finally truly admitting that I had opened my eyes and that I had a problem was very confronting, even though at this stage I was only admitting it to my husband and myself.
     The next morning ironically, I had the last pop tarts that were in the cupboard for breakfast, determined and knowing that once they were gone, there would be no more as I was the only one who ate them.
     I went into work a little early and spoke to the nurse, crying, telling her that I didn't want to be fat anymore, I could no longer eat the crap that I have let myself eat for so long, asking for help and suggestions as I didn't know how to eat or prepare healthy food.
     I have always been a fussy eater, which I believe is partly the reason I have gotten to where I have with my weight. I do not like and refuse to eat so many vegetables, and ingredients that go into salad - I hate tomato and cucumber, etc, onion gives me the runs... It has always bee easier to eat the prepackaged meals or things that are mainly pasta based, or even grab a bag of chips out of the cupboard!
     The nurse and I talked for quite a while, she suggested some simple things like eating fruit salad with a little ricotta for example, a piece of toast with some cottage cheese, a small handful of nuts and/or berries as a snack, and most importantly - reducing portion size. She printed off the addresses of some websites, and some meal plans that are often given to diabetics for me to have a look at. She said she would be there for me to talk to, check in with, and that she would weigh me weekly and we could talk about how things were going. This led to the moment of truth. The weigh in. Another eye opening moment.
     I got on the scales...
     ...139kg... Woah... I don't know what I was expecting. I don't know if I thought it would be more or less than that, but that was well and truly more than enough and I just don't know what else to say about that.
     When I was almost finished work for the day, I went across to the supermarket and bought a variety of fruit so I could go home and make up a fruit salad for lunch.
     I felt better that I had opened up and talked about it and that I was going to do something. But shit I was hungry. That first day was definitely the hardest. I was so used to listening to the voices in my head constantly telling me to eat that they were making me sooo ravenous.
I had my fruit salad for lunch and made enough for the next day for breakfast and lunch. I had a small bowl of soya chips as a snack, but found that an hour later I was still so hungry that I had some rice cakes as well to tide me over until dinner. Dinner was a much smaller portion than normal and we also used smaller bowls to make sure that was the case.
     I got through the first day. Go on, laugh. The first damn DAY. I felt good. I felt positive. But considering how hungry I was all day, I was expecting a heck of a battle to come....

In the beginning....

     So.
     I have decided to write a blog about this journey I am travelling on.
     I have never written a blog before.
     I used to have diaries, I guess I am going to kind of treat this as the same thing - telling you truths and not sugar coating it with bullshit.
     I am 35, a mother of 2 beautiful children (ok, sometimes they are beautiful - no bullshit remember!) and married to a wonderful man I consider to be my soul-mate. Sure he tests me sometimes and pushes my buttons (both good and bad), but he has made me complete in so many ways and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else with anyone else.
     I am overweight. I can't recall a time when I wasn't overweight. Sure I can look back to photos of when I was a child, but that doesn't really count now does it. And yes I have tried diets and all sorts of things, but after a few weeks or a month of barely losing a kilo after trying to eat right and tons of hard work, you think stuff this! It's easier to sit around, eat what I want and stay where I am! This isn't a cry for sympathy or anything like that, this is a "story" about how I am finally in the mindset to lose weight and am now on the right path for me.
     I guess I decided to write this because of what a few different people have said to me. Some have asked what I am doing and suggested that I "Keep it up!", some have said that they too would love to lose weight, but that it's all to hard. I don't expect to inspire the masses, heck, I don't know if anyone will ever read this, but I guess I am hoping that it may help some to find the epiphany they need to get in the right mindset to do this.
     That's what started this off for me - an epiphany. Like I said, I have always been fat. Overweight. Obese. I don't blame anyone for that but me. I don't blame McDonald's or the fast food restaurants - I can make a choice whether or not to go there and how much I eat when I get there. I don't blame my parents - sure there were chips and chocolate in the house, but it wasn't my parents fault that I would sneak more of it than I should, although I was always told not to. I don't blame my family for the treats I was given when I visited, the only person I can blame, is me.
     For a long, long time I have only bought clothes from the Plus Size section - at the end of the rack. Size 26. Sometimes things would fit and I would find something I liked, other times I would sadly put them back, knowing I just couldn't squeeze anymore of myself into it. I would just quickly glance at myself in the mirror when I dressed, more to make sure my outfit went together and that I just looked 'ok' before going out. I would try to avoid looking at my reflection wherever possible. I would avoid photos that weren't just headshots whenever I could. I got very depressed. I had a few rough years with post natal depression after our first child was born and I was not working much if at all, and slowly my depression worsened. I remember vividly walking into a local shop, them not having what I needed to buy and that setting me off - walking back out of the store, looking at the traffic and trying to decide which car to walk out in front of so I could end it all. Thankfully the moment passed before I could do anything silly, and it was a shock and the wake up call I needed. I slowly crawled my way out of the depression, but because I was dealing with that, my weight again sat on the backburner. Maybe my mind wasn't ready to deal with two big life changes at once. Maybe that's just an excuse. Either way, I know my mind wasn't ready and as sad as I was with my weight and my body, neither was I....